Tonight, on Mutual of Ponte Alto's Wild Atlantia:

However dangerous the pack can be together, separated from the pack, lone FFG can often be quite docile. Do not let this lure you, however. The lone wild FFG uses this docile front to lure its victims in. It is important to stress the fact that although the wild FFG can be found alone, the rest of the pack is always close, and can show up unexpectedly. The most important fact to remember is to never corner a single FFG, for all FFGer's are well armed, and can be quite dangerous, even without the rest of the pack. This is critical when dealing with the female FFG, for it is commonly acknowledged as the more dangerous of species.

The wild FFG can actually be found anywhere, but their preferred habitat is Pennsic War, or any similar SCA event. Often times, a wild FFG may be seen at a Renaissance Festival, but they can be difficult to distinguish as they tend to camouflage themselves to blend in with the natives. The wild FFG has beautiful plumage, and its color varies widely from individual to individual. They can be distinguished from other more domesticated species by their numerous feathers, scarves, and squeaky codpieces.

Scientists have not yet been able to determine any organization within the FFG pack, as it appears to be disorganized. There has been no observable hierarchy within the pack, although it seems that any member of the pack can lead for a brief time. It is believed that the leaders are referred to as “Mom” and “Dad,” although this cannot be proved.

Although there are definite “classes” within the pack, none appears to be held in any higher regard than the others, and there appears to be a great deal of overlap between these classes. So far, there have been three observed classes, though there may be many more. We have dubbed these classes as the “sewing” class, the “cooking” class, and the “warrior” class. The “sewers” are known to be skilled with needle and thread, and will make, or assist in the making of, the plumage of the pack. Though all the pack has spectacular plumage, the sewers, and those closest to them, tend to be the flashiest.

The second class is the “cooking” class. The “cookers” have the tiring job of feeding the pack, though the rest of the pack will assist in any way possible. The biggest class is the “warrior” class. This group encompasses most of the pack, although there are a few members who are not members of this class. This group tends to carry numerous weapons, typically of the sword variety, though they have been seen carrying guns with round objects similar to rubber bands, and lately they have been seen with large weapons of the siege variety. The warriors will leave their dens early in the day, often traveling great distances carrying vast arrays of weaponry and armor, only to return exhausted at the end of the day. This group will never be found without at least one weapon on their person, or within reach.

The wild FFG is omnivorous, though it will do anything for chicken satay, fried plantains, caffeine, and any type of consumable alcohol. The pack can often be seen cavorting after meals around a large fire, continuing their consumption of alcohol, typically late into the night. However, great care must be taken when dealing with the warrior class, as they may neglect eating for fighting. They are also known to fight the day after ingesting vast quantities of alcohol, although this is less of a problem for the wild FFG than for their more distant cousin, the heavy fighter.

As with any wild animal, it is dangerous, and quite often fatal, to get between the FFG pack and its prey. A common prey for the FFG is the easily found “fabric merchant.” Found in the pack's entire known habitat, the fabric merchants vary in color, content, and accessibility. Often times, pack members will track down and corner a fabric merchant, only to find that they lack the tools with which to harvest the hide from their prey. However, the most favored prey of the FFG pack, especially among the warrior class, is the Darkwood Armory merchant. This merchant is extremely rare, found only once a year in late summer. The wild FFG pack will circle the nesting area of the Darkwood for days before it arrives, often setting a scout to alert the rest of the pack when the Darkwood arrives and begins to nest. Even if a scout is not left behind, the pack seems to know intuitively when the Darkwood arrives, and will stalk it until the Darkwood is ready to be harvested.

Mating rituals are nearly impossible to observe within the FFG pack, as most of these rituals tend to occur at night. Until very recently, almost nothing was known about their practices. However recent studies have shown that a general cry of “Shadow Puppets!” will go up from the pack whenever a pair retires to their den. The significance of this cry is still unknown.

The language code of the FFG pack was only recently cracked, and there continue to be difficulties in decoding the full language. However, a few, often used, phrases have been translated. Roughly translated, the first of these phrases are “And then? No and then!” This phrase has unknown significance, and has been known to be shouted at random times throughout the day and night. The second phrase to be translated seemed to be used when a mild hardship occurred in the pack. This phrase came across as “Oh no…how could this be?” This is often said in a whining tone of voice. The last phrase seems to be used most by the warriors of the group, and typically immediately precedes a story of their prowess in a fight. Translated into English, this phrase is “No shit, there I was…” followed immediately by their story, usually of them battling numerous opponents. Another phrase often heard is the cry of “E-VIL!!!” which seems to be a general rallying cry. Thus far, these are the only phrases to be translated from the complex language of the wild FFG pack.

As stated before, it is dangerous to corner a wild FFG, whether in the pack or alone. However, if great care is taken, the wild FFG can be contained for very brief periods of time for study. The safest way to capture a wild FFG is to attract them with something very shiny, as any shiny objects attract all members of FFG. However, it is easier to keep them quiet for studying if a shiny sword is used. If there is nothing shiny to use, chocolate may be used instead, although this can cause the pack member to become extremely hyper. Great care must be taken if chocolate is used to attract the FFG, although they tend to be loyal to the giver of the chocolate and will be very friendly. Unfortunately, this loyalty lasts only as long as the chocolate does.

There is a “last resort” method to be used, if no chocolate or shiny object or sword is available. However, this method is quite dangerous, and requires the scientist to be able to quickly contain the pack member. The phrase “Come look at the new *insert name/type of sword here* I just bought” has long been known to be a common congregating call among the members of the FFG pack. However, using this will bring more than one member of the pack running, and the scientist must have facilities ready to deal with the entire pack if necessary.

The wild FFG is a beautiful creature. They can be extremely dangerous, so it is safest to observe them from a distance. The easiest way to observe the entire pack in its natural habitat, with all the rituals played out without interference, is to study them during the first two weeks of August, in the environment known as “Pennsic War.” It is at this time that the pack congregates in one place, mingling with its cousins, the SCAdians. By mingling with the SCAdians, and camouflaging themselves, scientists have been able to observe the rare wild FFG pack in their natural surroundings. A few have even been invited into their den for their parties. This has allowed an unprecedented view into the life of the pack. There are hopes that this year will once again allow scientists access to the pack's den, where studies will hopefully reveal some of the pack's more closely guarded secrets.

Thank you for joining us for a look in to the wild FFG pack. Tune in next week to Mutual of Ponte Alto's Wild Atlantia, when we will take a closer look into the life and habitat of the domestic squire, a knight's best friend.